Finding the meaning, the light

"Lotus flowers grow from muddy swamps into beautiful symbols of creation & rebirth..."





This year is full of "re-birth" for me. I am still sifting through and reflecting. A lot of meaning. A lot of everything. I am finding my true self, my true meaning. Through the fire, I have been taught something invaluable. I can/have/will get through the dark, to be greeted with light. I believe in myself now more than ever.

Infertility nearly broke my spirit, my marriage, my love. But I came out from under it, holding a miracle. I want nothing more than to be a mother, a wife, a provider to my family. I love children and their meaning... Life goes on. I want, I hurt, to be a mother to more children. I sometimes do not understand why I, can not. To understand would be silly, where would the lesson come from?

Each day I am woken up by the happiest, bright eyed, miracle. I smile, put my running shoes on, and go out to learn. Each trial, smile, tear, giggle, I learn.

My marriage, my love, we walk, we talk, we BELIEVE. Together. Without him, I am lost. Without me, he is lost. We have learned to nuture, to trust, to grow together, to never let go. We may never understand the paths of infertitlity or other trials. But we walk, sometimes run, to the light ahead. Because, through darkness, we find light... the lesson. We also have learned that neither is more important than having eachother.

This year I have learned that for my family to be healthy, happy, I must be healthy, happy. Infertility left many "burns". One, my weight. I gained from the drugs, the bedrest, the "eating for two". Infertility left me depressed long after we triumphed. I had no interest in being healthy, happy. Then God stepped in. The trials that led me to my wake up need not be discussed. I woke up. I needed to listen.... so I did.

Little by little, I realised, I was on this path for a reason. I wasnt left to be forgotten. I was carried and He put me down to teach me to walk. For myself.

9 months later, ironically I know, I have lost all 45 pounds of my "baby" weight after having my baby 3 and a half years ago. Still with 10 pounds more to go until my goal, I have never been happier or healthier. My lesson, learned.

As to a baby, I am still learning. He is still teaching. I am learning he is always teaching, Gracie is teaching me for Him, I to her. It may not ever happen, the baby. But I have learned this year it is His timing, His love for us, that He delivers. He knows what is best for us. He hears me, as I hear him, he listens as I do to him. The lessons are sometimes hard, and hurt. He will always answer, it may not be expected or in ways I wanted, but always for the best.

I know for sure, there will always be light. So I will continue to walk.